Poem correspondence

Flipping through my Facebook feed this morning, I came across a poem that I felt like responding to. So I wrote a response poem. 🙂  Here they both are:

 

I would hold your hand
and get close to you
see all that you are
your miseries and the dark corners of your mind

I would accept you
and help you accept yourself

That is what love is

I would hold your hand
If you let me.

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Rope

Soft and supple
Vibrantly dyed
It speaks to me of comfort
Embraces me
Coil after coil

But do not mistake
Soft for weak
As excitement grows
Muscles tense
The embrace becomes a constriction
Those loving arms turn to grasping fingers
Pressing firmly into my flesh

I strain
Futilely
Seeking release
But not really wanting it
And none is given


So another thing to add to my list of what’s new in 2017. Rope, much like running, is something I never thought I could do, and certainly never thought I would really like. And, much like running, I’ve discovered I really enjoy it. Earlier this year I started reading a book that was gifted to me years ago, called The Loving Dominant. It’s been a very interesting read, and a bit of an eye opener for me (a mostly submissive-feeling switch who never really got far into BDSM). When I got to the chapter on rope bondage, I almost skipped it. Then I noticed they gave instructions on how to tie some basic knots and I thought, “What the heck. Maybe I’ll actually learn how to tie a decent knot for the first time in my life.” A little YouTube searching later, and not only do I understand knots far better than I ever have before, but I’m also kind of hooked. I find myself practicing bindings on myself, and loving it. Loving both ends of it: not just being bound, but also doing the binding. Now if I just had somebody to play with…

Well when you put it that way…

So, in a similar vein to Conversations In My Head, sometimes my brain will take something and spin it on its head in a delightfully snarky way. Shortly after waking up this morning, it did so with my memory of the turning point in my relationship with E. With one sentence, she went from acquaintance to something more. I believe the exact sentence she uttered was, “Don’t ever fall in love with two people at the same time.”

The pain, of course, comes from everybody involved not being 100% on board with polyamory. When everybody is on board, loving two people at once is awesome! When they aren’t, there’s angst and pain and… well, more issues than normal. Having been there and done that, I could sympathize with her feelings, and I quickly bonded and shared with her pieces of me that I don’t think I’ve ever shared with anybody else before. But here’s how it spun out in my head this morning:

“Never be in love with two people at the same time.”
“I know. It sucks, right?”
“Totally.”
“I love you.”

Funny thing is, that is essentially what happened for real (slightly condensed). Never let sense and reason get in the way of the heart… yeah… I’ll file that one away under “what were you thinking?” for future laughs.

Tell me

Tell me anything, so long as it is honest.
Tell me things that will make me happy (obviously).
Tell me things that will make me sad (I’ll forgive you).
Tell me things that will make me angry (as if you could).
Tell me things that will make me jealous (I’ll endure).
Just don’t tell me nothing at all.
Because that’s when the voices in my head
Start telling me things in your stead.
And some of those voices are more unpleasant
Than the truth could ever be.
Because the truth is never shrouded in doubt.
And doubt is the biggest bastard of them all.


There is voice in the back of my head that is a real jerk about things. I call him the Asshole Voice. He’s not entirely without merit. He’s the same voice that warns me that random passers-by might mug or kill me, or that what I’m about to do is risky and why. He’s well-meaning, really, just trying to make sure I’m not blind-sided by unpleasantness, but he does so in the worst way possible, by presenting the worst-case scenario in all things. When I am not given enough information, when my questions go unanswered, when my statements go unremarked… Asshole Voice will pipe up, full of doubts and uncertainty, and never positive. I do have other voices in my head that do say positive things, but they are much quieter normally, and don’t carry the weight of doubt. Fear and uncertainty are powerful forces inside one’s head. I can, of course, control my reactions to Asshole Voice’s worrisome thoughts (most of the time), but to do so can be exhausting. Best just not to feed him at all.


I feel like this has been inside me for a while now. I’ve been wanting to write a piece about what I call my Asshole Voice. When I published Swiss Cheese Heart, one of the likes on that poem led me to A Story With No Ending (because I always check out a few links from the people who like or follow), and reading that suddenly made this post spring to life. And I started writing it as just a blog post, but eight sentences into it, I realized I was writing a poem, so I broke that out as it clearly wanted to be, then filled in the rest. Today has been a good day for writing so far.  Two blog posts have just leapt unbidden out of my head and onto the screen, and only just now has my alarm clock gone off. A good day for writing, but a bad day for sleep. I’ll schedule this one for release later in the day, just to space things out a bit.

Swiss cheese heart

When I fell in love with you
I took a knife
And carved a you-shaped hole in my heart
A place where you, and only you, will fit
And when you aren’t here
There’s nothing there but the hole

I have other loves
It’s true
But that only means
There are a lot of holes
Some of which
Will never be filled again

You might think I’m a masochist
To keep cutting
Maybe I am
But nothing feels as good
As when those holes
Are filled

And the holes themselves
Somehow
Feel better than the whole heart did

Forever

Here is another poem that I wrote “forever” ago, for a lady who is forever gone now.


You were with me again last night
Forever and yet but a heartbeat
My ephemeral angel
My vision of joy.

Are you aware
Conscious of your visits
In my dreams
In my soul?

Forever and yet but a heartbeat
Like the passion we shared, years ago.
Do you remember?
I cannot forget

Though at times the memory stings
Lashes with sorrow’s whip
Wounds me deeply
Stabs at my soul

Yet I would sooner cut out my heart
Than any memory of you
I hold fast to the days when I had you
Hoping I’ll have you again

Forever and yet but a heartbeat

Glow stick jewelry

Tonight I was given a glow stick necklace. Such a simple, cheap, innocuous thing. I fastened it on for my nighttime run, not really thinking of it, and wore it out to the bar after still unthinking. Now I’m home, and playing with it, and memories come flooding back. A summer night in July, spending time with the two loves of my life (B and L, at the time) at a concert by the river. I think it was also fireworks that night for the near-4th-of-July celebration. Somewhere in there, we had all acquired glow stick bracelets. Multiples of them, even, so they could be linked together into necklaces. After the evening festivities, the 3 of us retired back to the house B and I shared, and stripped down to get in the hot tub in the backyard. A ring toss game ensued, with the bracelets being the rings, and myself providing the post the ladies were aiming for. B and L never really got along very well, but in that moment, everything was right with my world. They were laughing and smiling, and getting along. Enjoying a makeshift game which only the 2 of them had ever played. All differences were set aside for an evening, and it was delightful. I wish there had been more times like that. All that from a piece of glow stick jewelry. Cheap, and yet priceless.